EEP - ran out of time today to do the weigh in stuffs… I shall do that manana!
Sorry peeps. :)
EEP - ran out of time today to do the weigh in stuffs… I shall do that manana!
Sorry peeps. :)
Ok - I’m restarting this whole weight loss machine thing. Since I’ve kinda been absentia for the past 6-7 months, here’s a recap on my life.
To those of you who are new to my blog, ooooor don’t remember because I’ve been horrible at posting… I had gastric bypass surgery a year and a half ago. Starting/highest weight was 358 pounds, lowest weight was 234, now sitting at 244. “But Ellen, I thought you said you gained 5 pounds, and that math means you gained 10…” 1. I know, 2. I sat at 234 for like a week and then bounced back up to 239, so I don’treallycount those 5 pounds.
Also, for a refresher for you, I’m the girl that is obsessed with numbers and charting her weightloss (see above)…. I did Charts Tuesdays…. ringing any bells? Anyways, I’m bringing back Charts Tuesdays, although, I’m not exactly sure what day that it will be on. Tuesday is the horrible, awful, no good, very bad day of the week for me, so I’ll pick another day… more than likely Wednesday, but we’ll see.
Anyways, I’ve been slowly acclimating myself back into Tumblr, back into my routine… feeling good. Have some new goals, starting fresh, ready to get back on track!
Finally - here’s a quick recap of my new charts and stats I got going for me:
Please feel free to send over questions and/or words of encouragement! I could use a jolt back into tumblr! Thanks for following! Accountability rules!
Wish me luck!
I can’t remember if i’ve figured this out before, and if I ever did, I have gotten to where I forgot and re-figured it out. I don’t think I’ve ever taken it to this depths before though. And I feel as though, once I explain myself, everyone is going to be like ‘umm… of course,’ but for whatever reason, this epiphany, for whatever reason helped me see the bigger picture.
BUT - before we get into that… Merry Christmas! It’s the end of Christmas day, the real world starts up again tomorrow only to be shut off again in a few more days for New Years celebrations.
I’ve had 28 Christmas’s now. For most of those 28, they were carbon copies of each other. Us kids would be kicked out of the living room with the threat that Santa would pass over our house if he knew we weren’t asleep. So we go to ‘bed’ and somehow never catch a glimse of the elusive Santa. That’s besides the point though. The point is that every year, we’d open presents. Every year we’d go to Oklahoma and have a bigger famly Christmas with the entire direct bloodline of my Grandparents. Every year, we’d do the same thing, although the cast of minor characters would occassionally rotate. Same story for Thanksgiving. Each and every year, we’d head out to East Texas, us kids learn how to drive sitting on the top of our dads’ laps driving the trucks down the dirt road. Every year, everything was the same. That is, until they started to change.
Slowly, one at a time, holiday’s began to change. Fourth of July was the first to go. We for awhile were always in my Aunt and Uncle’s neighborhood’s parade. We did that for a handful of years; as time passed, participation in the parade turned to just watching and then it stopped all together. As the kids started getting into their tweens, the parade became a memory. Ironically, I now live in that very neighborhood and was able to re-live that childhood experience and I LOVED it.
Thanksgiving was next. After we lost our patriarch, Peepaw (my dad’s dad), things began to shift. We’d still go out to east Texas, we’d still do the same things, the same traditions, but then you could tell they were different. Slowly, with the migration of my grandmother, Grammy, so was the migration of our holiday. We started alternating houses, but the cast was always the same. Being one of the youngest of the brude of cousins, I started seeing the older cousins start to peal off into their other newly found familys… the ones that they chose, not the ones they were born into. In the most recent years, we have the skeleton of what we use to have. We still have a few from this family and a few from that family, but never was it like the glory days. I’ve yet to go on a hayride since, damnit.
Now, it looks like it’s Christmas’s turn to take the hit. In this family, my mother’s side, I’m on the older end of that cousin spectrum. So, now that I’m of age where we start marrying off, so begins the dissolution of my inner child’s understanding of what Christmas is. For whatever reason, I can’t ever understand. I didn’t see this coming. I couldn’t have the foresight to prepare myself for such a large change. We haven’t had a real genuine 1995 version of my family’s Christmas, the one where we hang stockings that my grandmother made for us, where we all stay at each others houses, where we have to go to bed early so that Santa can come, for a few years now. I say few, I guess it’s more like several. I find myself now expecting those same feelings whenever I was a kid about Christmas. Then I find myself chasing that fleeting feeling. Then I find myself trying to create a makeshift version of that feeling. Then I catch myself being dissappointed in what I didn’t have, focusing on what was missing, rather than what I should have been doing.
I feel kinda like a schmuck sometimes. Like a stooge, a patzy. I’m the ONLY one who doesn’t get it. I’m the ONLY one that cares that I want things to stay the same. It’s sometimes very loney. I found myself getting upset that my dad didn’t rush home from the firestation. My sisters, neither of them staying over at mom and dad’s house like I did for several days in order to prepare for the holidays and then celebrate. It was more or less treated like a birthday or a run-of-the-mill get together. It had the littlest anticipation, the smallest climax and least amount of importance assigned to a Christmas to date. I’m the only sister out of us here right now, and it feels like I’ve been duped. Like I’m the only one not ‘in’ on this concept that Christmas has become less and less important. It wasn’t replaced with another feeling.
I realize that once children, nieces, nephews, grandkids, kids, are introduced, then that means that the spirit will become alive again…. but not necessarily like how I had imagined. If they are my nieces/nephews, they may be over at their other side of their family for the holiday. I might not ever get my 1995 Christmas again. I’m going to have to share my sisters with their partners’ families.
'But Ellen, you'll have your own family one day, and you can have that life however you make it.' Yeah. Maybe.
I figured out one piece of myself tonight. I always knew that change was hard for me, more than others. However, tonight, like falling dominoes, everything seemed to go click, click, click. I can’t see change. I can’t anticipate it. I, Ellen, am a problem solver. Once a problem is solved, the puzzle decoded, I wipe my hands clean of that problem and put in on the shelf with all of the other problems that were brilliantly solved over the years.
Being a decisive person has it’s perks. I can quickly assess an issue, troubleshoot potential causes, find alternative solutions, provide a hasty diagnosis and prescribe a remedy. I can ‘define’ a person quickly. Unfortunately, everything has pros and cons; when something evolves, my mind isn’t paying attention because my mind thinks I’ve already figured this one out - discounting any change. When a relationship between me and someone else changes or when a person changes, I’m not able to fully comprehend what has happened until I’m forced to by the laws of humanity.
Last year was the first year I had to share my older sister with another family. Didn’t care for that too much last year. Luckily, I knew that going into this year, BUT I didn’t account for my younger sister also sharing her time with another family. ugh.
I have everyone ‘figured out.’ They’re pegged - at least they are in my mind. Once they defy the laws of whatever label I’ve put on them, welp, my brain just does not compute. I get sad. I get upset. I don’t want it to be. I feel left behind. Not that I don’t want to, but my brain can’t comprehend why they don’t feel the same way I do. Why don’t they care the same like I do?
Well, I think that is because some people’s minds are more flexible than my own. I think people can see themselves in different ways, and I can’t. I’m stuck. I’m still the fat, ugly Ellen I’ve always been and always will be. I’ll always be single because I always have been single.
My family’s dog, of 12 faithful years, is on her last leg of life. She’d been slowly deteriorating and now it seems like it’s going at an increasingly expedited rate. I’ve always been REALLY bad at dealing with death. I know it’s not easy for anyone; I find myself ignoring the problem until I’m forced to see that this is really it. And then all of the sudden, I’m having to emotionally catch up to reality.
Change is horribly difficult if you ignore it. Don’t accept what’s really happening and avoid putting that off an off. Like I said, I’m pretty sure I’ve acknowledged the idea of change being hard for me before. I know I’ve admitted to having self-image issues. I’ve never connected the dots between my own’s self to those who share their life with me.
I’m pretty sure life isn’t going to slow down for me so that I can get a good grasp of this concept. People aren’t going to stop revolving and evolving in and out of my life. I wish everything would stand still. I wish every year was 1995. But it’s not. And I’m getting left behind thinking it is.
I’ll never have a family of my own if I can’t accept change within myself because I’ll never change that I’ve labeled as an undeserving person. This is the origin of every single self-fulfilling prophecy. I’m going to have to figure out how to change the perception I have of myself, but I think first, I’m going to have to “unsolve” everyone else around me.
I’m still sitting at 239. Not beating myself up about it. As long as it’s not a gain, I’m not going to stress about it. After graduation… me and that scale are going to have a talk.
Aside from that, I’ve been thinking A LOT about my health goals I’ve set for myself over the past year. My biggest and proudest is my 5Ks. I had set the goal for me to participate in one 5k a month, and I already have 13 down this year and about to put number 14 on the books at the Fort Worth Turkey Trot.
Even with all the 5ks - my time hasn’t improved too too much. As I’m assessing my goals as this year comes to a close, I’m trying to find what is the most appropriate goal for the next year.
Tentatively, the goals I’ve thought of thus far would be to continue with the one 5k a month BUT I think I’m going to pick a 10k to do in the early summer months. That seems like a big enough stretch for me to continue working hard, something that is somewhat attainable. Isn’t set in stone, but for the time being, I think this is a solid idea.
If anyone has any good ideas for a good 10K to run, let me know! Thinking in the May/June time frame. :)
As you grow up, you begin to formulate opinions about yourself. You start to find your identity. Some, who for one reason or another, grow up with a bright self esteem, feel confident in themselves, and believe themselves to be valuable - worthy of someone’s attention.
And then there are the others.
The others of us who find ourselves doubting our worth. Doubting that we deserve attention, love, loyalty. We find that it is easier to build up barriers and protect ourselves because we already “know” the outcome anyways. We aren’t going to get the guy. The cheerleader, the all-american girl, the girl next door, the damsel in distress, those are the girls we think get prince charming. Therefore we, the underdogs, we feel like we are overlooked. Like we are undeserving of love. So we don’t try. The result is the same, anyways, right?
We pity the guys that we crush on. Or at least I do anyways. I don’t want them to feel guilty when they have to reject me. Most of all, I don’t them to think that only ugly girls like them. I want them to have pride in themselves. How sad is that?
I’m in a all too common place. The place where I feel left out, I feel left behind. The words a very well intentioned friend told me echos about how “not everyone is meant to get married, Ellen.”I’m in the place where I assume that no one will ever set me up, because who would ever think that Ellen would be pretty, skinny, cute enough for so and so.
I am happy for my friends, especially the phoenixes who have been able to turn their “ugly duckling” mentality (and yes, I say mentality because they never really were ugly ducklings) into swan perceptions of themselves. And those newly found introspective perspectives my friends (plural) have made them glow from the inside out. Men, who are like moths to a flame, come a’ runnin’. Me, the ugly duckling sitting in the corner, questions what is wrong with me. I question why - why can’t I seem to get that attention?
Just like the chain is a strong as it’s weakest link - a person can only be as beautiful as they believe themselves to be. It’s unattractive to be self-conscious. It’s not very beautiful when someone doubts themselves or has no self respect. Only when you have the perfect storm of confidence, self-acceptance, and courage can you really be beautiful. Relying on someone else to tell you that is putting a band-aid on a broken bone. It’s nice, really nice actually - but that moment is fleeting and then it eventually fades. That is… unless you truly believe it.
I want to be the swan. I don’t want to be the ugly duckling. The irony is that I’m picking to be the ugly duckling and I don’t have to be. I’ve been waiting for the day when I believe in the new me but waiting hasn’t done me any good. I should probably put some effort into it. :)
Thanks for listening, Tumblr. :) And to all those ugly ducklings… give yourself a fighting chance.
I know my avid followers miss charts tuesday - as do i, BUT that’s just not going to happen at the moment. My goal this week was to lose 2 pounds this week, and that didn’t happen. :/ I have a 0 lb loss this week. I didn’t even lose or gain an ounce. So, I’m sitting at status quo.
Aside from another 2 lb loss goal for the upcoming week, my goal is going to be to lay off the sugar. That’s probably the biggest thing I can work on. So, I had my last sugar-y thing tonight, and tomorrow, we’ll try day 1 minus sugar.
Other than that, I had a good week. Worked out. Got sore. Ran. It was a good week. :)
Goodnight world. Talk to ya’ll next week with another update!
I apologize for my absence. I’ve gotten a lot of support from my friends who keep asking me to post on my blog. It is really really nice to hear so many people who are invested in my well-being. Thank you to all of those who are so supportive. :) I have really, truly appreciate everything for putting up with (the not so cheery) me.
Without getting into too much detail - I just wanted to make a quick post here, not an update of what has happened over the last 2 months, but more what I expect for the future.
I hope to get back to how much I had been posting whenever I first started my journey. Unfortunately, life has dictated things differently for a couple of months, but I’m hoping that I can build up to my old bloggin’ self and post a few times a week. My goal (blog wise) is merely on Sunday night after I finish all of my work and homework that needs to be done.
Secondly (and more importantly), my goal for my overall health is still evolving. It wouldn’t shock many that I haven’t lost any net weight since my last blog post. It make sense; I become less invested in reporting my goals, my results, etc, of course I’m going to be less invested overall. Well, because of the success I have had over the last year and a half, I hope to continue to on this path until I find that I need to be in the mainanence phase (which I feel will never come).
For the short term, my goal is to hit a 15 pound loss by my graduation date - December 15th. That means I would have lost a total of 134 pounds. Let’s see how close I can get. I would pretty much need to hit a 2 lb loss week for the entire month of November, BUT the first thing I need to do is set a goal and see how close I can get. No goal setting - no direction - no results. That’s my experience anyways.
Current weight: 239
Goal weight (12/15): 224
On another note - I just want to say sorry. I have a huge weight on my heart. I feel like I’ve been grumpy, moody, upset, jealous, and not a good friend to a lot of people. Negligent would be another adjective you can throw in there. My new job was more time consuming than I had imagined. Last semester of school is more challenging than I care for. I hate (beyond hate) leaving my poor dog at home longer than I absolutely have to. With the result of these actions lead to all the descriptors listed above. And I apologize for that. Nobody deserved any of my frustration as all of the factors that are causing this is my own doing. I chose this new job. I chose to go to school. I chose to get a dog. I never want anyone to feel as though they aren’t deserving of my attention or that I don’t care. I hope that everyone can hang on a little bit longer as a lot of the weight I am carrying will naturally go away with graduation approaching. I can just keep my head down, get what I need to get done - this will all be over before I know it. I knew this was going to be the hardest semester… it physically playing out is so much harder. Thanks for those who have been so understanding and are sticking with me through these last few weeks. You’re efforts and patience are not going unnoticed.
fun. I don’t make time for fun anymore.
I make time for the following:
I am not making time for:
Keeping up with old friends
I’m not saying I don’t have any fun at all, I’m just usually compromising that fun time to make room for other obligations.
For the past few weeks, I haven’t been happy. I’ve been angry, upset, frustrated. I had to take HB to my parents house and leave him there for a week, practically, and that was horrible. I was lonely, nobody waiting and unconditionally happy to see me when I got home. The idea of shipping him off to mom and dads again was awful.. So I didn’t. I’ve had to work so much lately that even when I am home I’m plugging away at the computer or too tired after a long day and gym. So I skipped class tonight and stayed at home with my puppy dog. I’m sad when he’s not with me. The house is empty. It’s torture. Maybe I’ll be stronger / more responsible next week, but I’m glad he’s around tonight. :)
It’s not just not getting to hang out with HB as much as I want. It’s the fact that my life is void of fun things, and no, watching seasons of tv shows over months does not count, however, I do like me my shows. I figured out that 97% of what I make time for isn’t fun. It’s work.
Where have my museums gone? Why do I only go to the movies max 4 times a year? When am I going to balance my life out enough to where I start enjoying it again?
I need to take a look at my life and make sure I’m able to make myself happy. Not just concentrate on what can make me richer, prettier or smarter…. I need happier.